I’m Lost.  I’ve gone to look for myself.

If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

I feel like I’ve been waiting for a long time.  I’m tired of waiting.  I’m wondering where I’ve actually gone, and whether I’m having more fun somewhere else, and more importantly will I ever come back.

This fall I will be faced with a new frontier.  I’ve been waiting for this turn of the page for a long time.  All three of my kids will be in school full time.  I find myself at the edge of a new beginning, and I can’t see anything over the edge.

Imagine yourself at the top of the very highest cliff you know. And imagine yourself looking down to the very bottom.  And then imagine that the precipice goes on below that, as far again, them times as far, twenty times as far.  And when you’ve looked down all that distance imagine little white things that might, at first glance, be mistaken for sheep, but presently you realize that they are clouds – not little wreaths of mist but the enormous white, puffy clouds which are themselves as big as most mountains.  And at last, in between those clouds, you get your first glimpse of the real bottom, so far away that you can’t make out whether it’s field or wood, or land, ow water:  farther below those clouds than you are above them.    -  C.S. Lewis

I have unlimited possibilities, and all I want is a nap, an uninterrupted nap, where I’m not worrying about the bus.   A moment of peace to sit and think about where I may have gone, and when I might be back.  Time to gaze into the depths and see what’s really out there, beyond the veil of mommy-ness.

Until there is nothing left but to close my eyes, and feel the breath of Aslan push me over the cliff and into the beginning of my next grand adventure.

We heard stories of children as young as four being sold into brothels.  We heard the story of a family that has been enslaved to a rice plantation for 4 generations because a man borrowed $5 from the plantation owner.  We heard again and again about the isolation and hopelessness that these people share.

They are people, human beings.  They are sons, daughters, cousins, aunts, uncles, fathers, and mothers, and they are treated as commodities.  Human trafficking is the fastest growing industry, and the second largest organized crime  in the world today, and is estimated to earn $32 billion dollars a year.   Ninety percent are trafficked into the sex industry, and only 1-2% of these are ever rescued.

It is easy to get lost in the numbers.  How can I do anything to help 27 million people?  Take a stand to help just one.  There are simple steps you can take.  Learn more about the practices of your favorite companies.  Was your coffee harvested by slaves?  Was my chocolate?  Was my clothing, my cell phone?

Don’t stick you head in the sand and say it’s not my problem, that is Europe or, Asia.  It’s happening here, in America.  There are cartels operating out of restaurants, and beauty parlors here in the US.  San Francisco, and Boston, have been targets lately, but it is more wide-spread than that.

Educate yourself.   There are lots places to go:

The A21 campaign  www.thea21campaign.org

Call and Response  www.callandpesponse.com

www.humantrafficking.org  

www.polarisproject.org  

www.notforsalecampaign.org

And there are lots more.

Don’t turn a blind eye to suffering when it is in your power to act.

Matthew 25:40
And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’

A Psalm of David.

¹ The LORD is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid?
² When the wicked came against me
To eat up my flesh,
My enemies and foes,
They stumbled and fell.
³ Though an army may encamp against me,
My heart shall not fear;
Though war may rise against me,
In this I will be confident.

⁴ One thing I have desired of the LORD,
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the LORD
All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the LORD,
And to inquire in His temple.
⁵ For in the time of trouble
He shall hide me in His pavilion;
In the secret place of His tabernacle
He shall hide me;
He shall set me high upon a rock.

⁶ And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me;
Therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in His tabernacle;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD.

⁷ Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice!
Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
⁸ When You said, “Seek My face,”
My heart said to You, “Your face, LORD, I will seek.”
⁹ Do not hide Your face from me;
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not leave me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation.
¹⁰ When my father and my mother forsake me,
Then the LORD will take care of me.

¹¹ Teach me Your way, O LORD,
And lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies.
¹² Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries;
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.
¹³ I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.

¹⁴ Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!

This world sucks.  We are daily faced with hard choices, and disappointments, we are beaten down, and in despair.  I have watched, in the last few weeks, the lives torn apart, pain inflicted by those who profess to love us, and the disappointment of unrealized dreams.

It has been very hard to sit back and hear of the hurt, and not be able to help, to see the destruction, and only be able to pray for healing and peace.  To hold a friends hand, and know there isn’t anything you can say that will take the pain away.

It’s on days like this, when all hell is unleashing it’s fury on the lives of those I love, that I am most shaken.  I read Job, and I think ‘would I be like Job, or like his friends.’  These last few weeks have reminded me that more often we are in Job’s shoes.  There are circumstances beyond our power to fix, and situations that we can’t reach into.

I’ve gotten a bigger taste this week of how God hurts for his people.  If I am grieving with a friend, how much more is He.  This Psalm gives me hope.  Hope that I am not alone.  He hears his children, and he works on their behalf.  I pray, and He hears me.  I reach out my hand, and He takes it.  When the trouble starts, I am sheltered in His pavilion.  The God of the universe reaches down to me, in my pain, and in my weakness, and He lifts me up again.

¹³ I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.

It is that hope that a stake my claim, and it is that hope that I share today.  He has not left you behind.  He will uphold you in the times of trouble, and He will sustain you.

When I finally flicked on the bedside lite I was not really awake, but needed to get moving.  It had been a particularly trying weekend, and I was not looking forward to this day or this week.  As the mother of three our busy season has just begun, soccer and softball practices and games will dominate the landscape of the next 10 weeks, not to mention the end of the school year activities, and bible study, church commitments, and work schedules.

Last week was dominated by self, by anger and frustration, and the reminder that I often loose myself in the day to day.  Today I opened the devotion on my bedside table and decided to read yesterday’s too, since yesterday I jumped out of bed late again and needed to get my family ready to attend church, it was just what I needed to hear today.

Our Destiny

Perhaps the real question is:  May the Christian – indeed must the Christian – face the possibility that there are occasions in which there is no Christian way to survive?  Do we believe in the invincible power of redemptive suffering?  Are there enough women and men of deep faith who are willing to work, suffer, and die in spiritual resistance to the inhuman attitudes that are now in control?

Happily, the cross is not the final word that God has spoken to his people.  Out Christian lives look beyond Calvary to resurrection, and it is the human nature of the risen Christ, shot through and through with the radiance of divinity, that shows like a radiant mirror all that we are summoned to.  The destiny of Christ out brother is our destiny.  If we have suffered with him, we shall be glorified with him.  The pattern is always the same.  We reach life only through death, we come to light only through darkness, the grain of wheat must fall into the ground and die.  Jonah must be buried in the whale’s belly.

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you:

and when you pass through the rivers,

They will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

Isaiah 43:2

Brennan Manning

April 3, Reflections For Ragamuffins

I’m not done yet, and the cross isn’t the final word.  I’m passing through waters right now, but I’m not swept away.  I’m in the fire of God’s refinement, but I am not burned.  He is with me, and I will rise out of this mess renewed and refreshed.

I came down stairs to find this beautiful sunrise.  He mercies are indeed new every morning.

I feel a bit like Peter, unable to open my mouth without putting my foot in it.

I feel a bit like Martha yelling at Jesus, ‘Don’t you care that my sister has left it all to me’.

I feel a bit like Columbus must have when he finally realized that he wasn’t in the East Indies.

I feel a bit like Jesus in the garden when the disciples all fell asleep on him again.

I am overwhelmed with all that life has thrown down today.  Once again my plans have fallen to the wayside for another purpose.  I don’t know which was greater, but I know there was no glory in it.  It was raw, and ugly, outside and in.  Life isn’t pretty today.  Usually I can find beauty in a fresh snow fall,  the whole world washed clean again, but today it’s just ugly, and messy, and another reason to be angry.

I find myself resenting the very ones I am called to love the most.  Pushed aside again so that they can rise, and I am unable to explain.  Maybe it’s better that they rise while this festering, ugly, anxious blob, stays hidden.  I want to hide.  Today I want to disappear.

Help me to stand on your feet today, like a little child dancing with her daddy.  Lord I do not know the steps.  Help me to trust in you an just enjoy the dance.  Show me your steps today Lord.  Your dance is the only one I want to learn, but I am ill equipped.  Help me to overcome my two left feet.  Show me how to keep time with you again.  Just hold me and let me rest in your love.  Wrapped up in your love is where I want to hide today.  Let others see you today, b/c they have seen enough of me.

I am a wife, and a mother.  That alone makes me busy, I know, but I’m not just talking about the day-to-day business.  Yes there are soccer games, and ice rinks to see, softball fields, and playgrounds are also in the rotation.   Then there are the dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, and restocking to be done.  Some where in all this stuff, I lost my joy for doing it.  I love my kids, and I enjoy spending time with them, but some days the smile on my face as I wave at the bus is only there because they are on the bus, and out of my house.

I have my days where the simple joy and laughter is easy to find, and I can relish in the mess of a day well done, but lately they are few and far between.  The list looms large.  The things I need to do verses the things I want to do.  I want to sit and be still, enjoy the silence of my empty house, but I’m restless.  I ask for help, and it becomes a check list of my 50% and your 50%.  It’s not what I meant or what I want.

I wanted more time for myself.  So I prayed.  I asked God what I could cut to make it work, and found my self cutting what I thought were extras.  And now I have time, but not the will, or the motivation.  I have time to write, and I have trouble stringing together a coherent sentence.  So my journals sit unopened, and my piano sits unplayed.  I’m tired of talking, and I can’t stand the silence.  I’m feeling like everyone’s last resort.  Would they notice if I was gone?  Would they remember that I loved them?

I wrestled with God about my future, and he showed me how wonderful it could be, and how much bigger is was then I ever imagined.  But it’s the future, it’s not for now.  So today I sit, waiting, longing for it to come. I can see it in the distance, but I can’t get there.  I’m wallowing in the valley between where I was, and where I’m going, and it’s cold, and dark, and boring.

I think I put my hope with my joy.  It’s around here somewhere, but it’s dusty, and placed on a shelf.  It’s out for others to see, like a blue ribbon pinned to my chest, but when I am alone I sometimes forget where I put it.  I have my faith though.  It’s lodged here inside me.  Stuck and shining bright.  He has a plan for me.  He has a purpose.  I’ve seen it, and it is awesome!  My God cares for me, He thinks of me, I’m not His last resort.  He knows my name, and he quietly whispers his love to me in this valley.

“I know it’s dark, here’s a light.  I know it’s cold, I’ll keep you warm.  I’ll be     your covering and shelter in this storm.  I called you to me, and I won’t let you go.  I love you.”

If you’re like me, and you’ve been in a church for a while you have heard all this and more, but lately the list is getting longer and longer.  There is so much to be done.  We need help.  Everyone needs help.  I need help.

I need help deciding what is important, and what can be left for another’s hands.  There is so much to do that it is easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle.  We need hands, absolutely, but more importantly we need hearts.  Hearts that break for people, hearts that are open and willing, hearts that long to make a difference, and hearts that are not satisfied on the surface, but a yearning to go deeper.  Now, I know what you may be thinking, how can I do anything?  Have you seen my schedule?

We all have busy lives, that is not my point.  I am not trying to guilt you into signing up for anything just to be busy.  I am however asking you to take a little time away.  Rest in the arms of Jesus, and just listen.  He’ll tell you who your heart breaks for, and if you are earnestly listening you will hear how you can help.  Each of us has been formed intentionally, with a unique set of skills, talents, and abilities, and also with a unique set of likes, dislikes, fears, phobias and loves.  Use those to satisfy your breaking heart, and the broken around you.  Love to knit?  Make a sweater for someone in need.  Love to paint?  Help a neighbor repaint their shed.  Love to read?  Read out loud to children at the library, or on tape so that the blind or disabled can also enjoy the book.

So I ask again;  How is your action?  Is it flowing from an overflow, or out of guilt?  You will never be content with it when it flows from guilt, but when you do what you can because you can’t not help, that is when you find satisfaction, and if you’re watchful, you’ll see the face of Jesus smiling back.

Screen Door

by Rich Mullins

It’s about as useless as
A screen door on a submarine
Faith without works baby
It just ain’t happenin’
One is your left hand
One is your right
It’ll take two strong arms
To hold on tight
Some folks cut off their nose
Just to spite their face
I think you need some works to show
For your alleged faith

Well there’s a difference you know
Between having faith
And playing make believe
One will make you grow
The other one just make you sleep
Talk about it (yeah)
But I really think you oughtta
Take a leap off of the ship
Before you claim to walk on water
Faith without works
Is like a song you can’t sing (sing)
It’s about as useless as
A screen door on a submarine

If you are local, and are searching for a way to help, or are in need of some, you can check out One Love at http://www.on-lo.org

So the mystery ends, and the journey begins.  This fall we lay the ground work to begin reconnecting people to God, in a whole new way.  I have been too busy on Sunday Mornings to even begin thinking about attending a Sunday school class, and the weekly studies at my church are at times when I am also otherwise committed.  While I love my small group, I have felt that it’s not hitting some of the ‘spiritual buttons’ that excite me the most.  I love the connectedness that our group has, and the knowledge and depth of study are wonderful.

I am tentatively calling this the Saturday Series.  (I’m not good at naming things, and I am totally open to suggestions)  It is a quarterly gathering of interested people, for a few hrs, on a Saturday morning, that will explore different areas of spiritual interest, with a come as you are attitude.  Using a seminar type format we will meet to learn more about, discuss, and talk with God about, a different subject each time.  Right now we are looking at things like; giftedness, prayer, biblical leadership, marriage, parenting, and basics of the faith.

I am envisioning this to be a low commitment event, meaning you would come only when the topics are of interest to you, and when topics overlap, ie parenting or marriage, we would team up with the existing ministries in our church, and in our area in order present as complete a picture as we can.

My vision, and my heart lie as such that this wouldn’t be another thing to fill your calendar, and take up your time, we are all too busy as it is, but this would be something of a jumping off block into a deeper and more intimate connection with Christ.  Discovering a passion and a calling that are uniquely designed just for you, by the creator of all, and providing a safe place to come and ask, explore, and discover.

I ask for you to continue to pray for this new  venture.

Now I know this doesn’t sound like a big deal to most people, but I have the spiritual gift of confusion.  I open my mouth and leave a wave of chaos and misunderstanding in my wake.  This hasn’t stopped me from talking, just from feeling understood by the world around me.  I feel as if I often need and English to English translator to communicate effectively in this crazy world.  I am often left wondering what else I could have said to make myself more clear.

I left the meeting with my Pastor both satisfied that I was able to communicate, and excited that he was very supportive of my ideas, and agreed that he also has been hearing some of the same things from God, and others with in our church.  And I got the green light to formulate a more specific plan and to start gathering a team of people who share this vision with me.

This brings us to yet another first, and  another scary step.  I’ve never put together a team like this before.  I have been part of teams, and I have organized a number of different events with in our church body, but I now need to think beyond the ‘wouldn’t it be great’ phase and move into the ‘would you like to be part of this’ phase.

Please join me in praying for this next step for me, and for my church.  Pray that God will reveal who he would have work on this project, and that the path ahead will be one filled with confirmation from Him.  I want this to be successful because I feel it is of vital importance to the people of God, but more importantly because I love to see people discover that the box they have been putting their God in is way to small.

Let me take you back a little.  I went through a really low point in my life about 10 yrs ago.  I felt used up, washed up, unloved, unwanted, and unnecessary.  It took me about two years of prayer and the godly council of good friends to realize the number of lies I had believed about myself.  I began again to see God as one who loves, and cares deeply for me.  I rediscovered that his grace is amazing, and miracles do occur if we are only looking for them.

It was about this time when I received what I can only call, a vision from God.  I was at a regional conference in Boston, and during a worship session I saw the room completely flip around and instead of standing in the back hiding in the crowd, I was up on the stage standing near the worship leader seeing all the faces before me, and I heard God simply say “bigger”.

That was it.  One word, and everything went back to normal, and I wrestled with that one word for a long time.  Was I not big enough? Was I making God to small?  Was the box I was keeping him in not big enough?  Was his plan bigger than I was thinking?  There were so many questions and so many different paths.  Each question I asked seamed to lead to more questions, and there were no real clear answers.

Eventually I stopped asking the questions.  I decided that if God wanted me to know what he meant than I would have to stop talking, and start listening.  So I did.  I would say a quick prayer, and then sit in silence waiting to hear him speak.  And you know, it’s a little scary at first.  All the thoughts running untamed around in my head.  Are those mine, or is God putting them there?  Are they selfish desires or worldly goals?

During this time a lot  became clear to me.  New desires, and visions arose, and I lot was left behind.  I was determined to move forward with God, but scared to make the wrong step.  One day I prayed that God would show me where we were going.  I didn’t want to misunderstand Him.  I wanted it to be clear in my mind.  God answered that prayer, that day.  He showed me where I was intended to be, but the road there was blocked from my sight.

I remember thinking Wow, really?  God, me?  I turned into Moses.  I asked God to reveal His plan, and when He did I tried to talk Him out of it.  Eventually I relented.  I told God that I would take steps toward this awesome future, but He would have to reveal them to me as I went.  And He has.

Every time I feel God calling me to step out, and I doubt I pick up the phone and call a few trusted friends.  I have sent out cryptic prayer requests over facebook, and I have been encouraged at every turn, by Godly friends and loved ones.  I have learned through this to hear God’s voice.  It is thrilling and scary all at the same time.

The last few weeks, as I have been listening to sermons, and talking with God on my walks, I have clearly heard him say “Now”.  No longer is he saying “wait for the next step”, as I have heard so many times in the last few years.  Now is the time, and it’s scary and thrilling, and humbling all at the same time.  I don’t want to be like Moses anymore.  I don’t want to try to change God’s mind about sending me.  I want to be like Isaiah “Here I am. Send me”.

Isaiah 6:8 Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying:   “Whom shall I send,
And who will go for Us?”   Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”